Bolstering up my resume

Chicago, IL: A week ago-present
Resident
- Will be counted in the next census, helping Chicago to keep it’s position as the third biggest city in the country
- Promoted Chicago tourism by sending emails to or calling up everyone I know and saying “Hey, I’m in Chicago. It’s cool here. You should visit. Soon. Please. I’m really lonely”
- Served as an example of why to watch where you step by rolling my ankle really hard and almost crying in front of fellow Chicago residents shortly after my arrival

Ford Motor Company: 2002-present
Owner
- Promoted Ford by parking my car in areas where others might see Ford logo and think “Hey, maybe I should get one of those”
- Facilitated an effective relationship between myself and the open road
- Tested 2001 Ford Focus’s resistance to unforeseeable falling trees

Direct TV: 1999-2008
Viewer
- Established a connection between myself and millions of others by engaging in a common cultural activity
- Promoted my favorite shows by viewing them instead of other shows
- Informed those around me that a program was really stupid by making comments to that effect out loud
- Continued watching even after informing those around me that a program was really stupid
- Carried out effective small talk by keeping up to date on superficial pop culture news

Adams Family: 1986-present
Member
- Served the role of son to Margaret and Dan
- Served the role of brother to Brian and Seamus
- Appeared in photos with the abovementioned individuals
- Established the Adams family’s existence in the world by signing my full name to documents
- Answered phones, took messages

My imagined first day in Chicago

A Blue Ford Focus pulls up to a beautiful gate, above which is a tasteful golden sign that reads “Chicago.” Sean gets out of the car to look for a way to open the gate. A breeze rushes by.

Sean: What a pleasant breeze.

A guard appears from nowhere.

Guard: It certainly is. In fact, Chicago’s original nickname was “The Pleasantly Breezy City,” but that wasn’t catchy enough, so we changed it to “The Windy City.”

Sean: Whoa, where’d you come from?

Guard: Don’t worry about it, Sean.

Sean: You know my name?

Guard: Yes. We’ve been eagerly awaiting your arrival, Sean.

Sean: That’s so nice of you. Will you open the gate so that I can drive in?

Guard: You don’t need your car here, Sean. You can take the hoverbus anywhere you’d like to go!

Sean: The what?

Guard: The hoverbus!

The guard whistles and the hoverbus appears.

Sean: Whoa, that thing must be a beast on gas!

Guard: Actually it’s entirely eco friendly. It runs on salt water.

Sean: Do you have to ship that from the ocean?

Guard: No we simply collect the tears of the billions of people who wish they lived in Chicago. Why don’t you hop on board?

In the hoverbus: everything is clean and instead of uncomfortable benches everyone is sitting in huge recliners. Sean sits down in an open one. He looks around. Almost everyone is young, well-dressed has an intelligent sense of humor.

Driver: All aboard! Next stop: candy.

Passenger 1: You must be, Sean. It’s so nice to finally meet you!

Sean: Thanks so much. Everyone here is so nice!

Passenger 2: We sure are, Sean. Anything you need help with?

Sean: Well, I could use some help finding a job.

Passenger 3: Don’t worry about that, Sean. The universe pays Chicago zillions of dollars a year just to exist, so all of the residents get paychecks.

Passenger 4: Here is yours, for eight thousand dollars!

Sean: Eight thousand dollars a week?

Passenger 1: No, eight thousand dollars a day.

Sean: Sweet. But wait, then what’s up with this homeless guy next to me?

Homeless Guy: My dressing and smelling like this is a lifestyle choice. I actually own a Jetta and a penthouse apartment.

Sean: Wow!

The hoverbus stops. Barack Obama gets on.

Sean: Is that Barack Obama?

Passenger 2: Sure is. It’s funny, everywhere else in the country, he’s this huge national figure, but here in Chicago, he just hangs out.

Barack Obama: Hey, Sean. It’s nice to meet you.

Sean: It’s nice to meet you Senator Obama.

Barack Obama: Please, just call me pal or bud or something. You seem like a cool guy, Sean. So cool that I would like to ask you to take my place in the current presidential race.

Sean: No way!

Passenger 3: Be careful, Sean! He’s just offering that to you because he never wants to leave Chicago!

Passenger 4: Yeah, he offers his Presidential candidacy to all the new guys.
Sean: Is that true, pal?

Barack Obama: You caught me!

Sean: But haven’t you been away from Chicago with all of your campaigning?

Barack Obama: That’s what I’ve got an android for, Sean. I figure if worst comes to worst, and I get elected, I’ll just let my android run stuff so I can chill here in the Chi-town. Or maybe I’ll just bring the white house here. Oh this looks like my stop. Gotta go. Here’s a piece of paper with my cell phone number on it. We should hang out and get some brews or something.

Sean: This place is so awesome!

Driver: All aboard! Next stop: bouncy castles.

My positive morning message

How am I so happy? It’s simple. Every morning I send some positive energy to myself. I look at myself in the mirror and recite a short speech. It goes like this:

Hey Sean. You’re looking good this morning. Yes, you are looking good, even if you do have hair all over your chest, stomach and back. It’s ok, because just remember some people can’t grow hair at all. Some people are born without eyes and lips, either. You have all of those things! Don’t you feel so lucky? And besides, a little bit of hair never hurt anyone, unless it was razor sharp hair and grew into your heart or something. So it’s a good thing that your hair is soft and grows out of you, don’t you think, Sean?

Those are some fine, straight teeth you have, Sean! Aren’t you glad you got those braces? Sure, it might have been tough going through your first year of college with gross metal stuff and rubber bands all over your teeth, but look how it paid off! Your teeth are slightly straighter than they were before! Some people are born without teeth, Sean. Some people are born without butts and knees, too! Can you imagine that, Sean? No, you can’t. Because you were born with all of these things, and can’t possibly understand the hardships of those who weren’t so lucky. You should be thankful for that!

Remember in fourth grade when you picked your nose and Glenn Miller saw it and told all of your classmates and everyone called you Mr. Picker for three weeks? Well you shouldn’t. It’s not good to dwell on things from the past, Sean. Stop reminding yourself of that awful time so many years ago. It’s not healthy! Just get over it! Glenn Miller has probably forgotten all about it. He’s an adult now, like you Sean, and he’s probably moved on to do bigger and better things. And he’s probably still an asshole, but that’s ok, because you’re not going to think about him and his asshole ways anymore. And don’t forget, there are people out there that were born without noses. Some people might have a nose but no nostrils and other people don’t have heads at all. So pick away, Sean! Show the world that you are one of the lucky ones born with a nose!

Speaking of noses, you should go take a shower now, because you smell kind of raw. Have a good day, Sean. You deserve it!

My adult life as I imagined it in second grade

I live in the coolest, hippest, most fun city in America – Universal Studios, Florida. Every morning I eat a balanced breakfast of two eggs, two pieces of buttered toast, three waffles, a bowl of coco puffs, a bowl of cookie crisp, a bowl of lucky charms – just the marshmallows – and a Mountain Dew slushie. Oh, and of course I have some Flintstone vitamins because I care about my health!

I have the best job in the world. I’m a train conductor. I drive a train all over the U.S. delivering puppies and kittens to pet stores. Puppies and kittens can get pretty sad on a trip around the country and if they’re sad, no kids will want to buy them, so it’s also part of my job to put the train on autopilot every twenty minutes and go play with the puppies and kittens. And every shipment has one extra puppy or kitten so I have to keep one. Did I mention the puppies and kittens that I have to keep are a weird, special kind that never grow old, never die and never poop?

Being a train conductor is a dangerous job. There are a lot of bandits and robbers and evil villains trying to steal my precious, cute cargo. Because of this I am armed with, an M-16, a 9mm pistol, a shotgun, an AK-47 assault rifle, a bazooka, and two Uzis. I also have an F-16 fighter jet on the top of the train, in case there’s stuff on the tracks that I need to fly ahead and blow up.

I don’t have a lot of time off, which is ok because being a train conductor is super awesome so I like my job! When I do have time off, I mostly just hang out at home – which is a mansion. I don’t take many vacations because I live in Universal Studios, so where could I possibly go that could be cooler?!

I’m married to Stephanie, from Full House. Not Jodie Sweetin, the actress who played Stephanie, but the character, Stephanie. It was funny when she introduced me to her family for the first time, because I already knew them so well.

I don’t hang out with Stephanie that much, though, because she’s a girl and I’m a guy, and I don’t want to be seen in public with a girl. Mostly I hang out with my guy friends, doing karate and shooting guns. Did I mention that my guy friends include the members of Green Day, Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Live? How am I friends with so many musicians? It’s simple. Having never stopped taking piano lessons, I am now the best piano player in the world. So obviously I was asked to join a bunch of famous bands. I write most of their songs for them now.

Dangerous Words #1: Cholesterol

One day, in my high school aesthetics class, the teacher put an egg on the table. The assignment: to compile a list of words that described it. From there, we each chose the one word from our list that we liked the most. These words were written on the board, so that we could use them to write a poem. One of my classmates looked at the texture, choosing “matte” as his word. Other students went deeper, choosing “birth” or “life.” The list continued in this fashion until it came time for me to share my contribution: “cholesterol.”
A whole three syllables longer than most of its rivals, my word stuck out. My classmates complained that I was not taking the assignment seriously enough, as if thinking deeply requires us to forget such serious health risks as high cholesterol. Also, I’m willing to bet that the particular egg was from an egg carton bought at the grocery store, and therefore held more cholesterol than it did “life.” If I’m wrong I have to wonder, why was that egg out on the table and not under its mother or in an incubator? Should we allow a teacher to sacrifice a the life of a chicken for a class assignment? How far is too far when it comes to high school, poem-writing exercises?
At first the word was simply laughed at, but the humor evaporated when the class was put to the task of producing a few short lines of verse. Cholesterol went about systematically murdering any beauty in each of my classmates’ poems. Objections were raised and cholesterol was quickly demoted to the degrading status of optional. While the class viewed this as a victory over me, I only saw it as proof of their inadequacy as poets.

If I Were (part 1)

A Glass of Water -
If I were a glass of water someone would drink out of me and when he had drank half of my contents I would not say that I am half empty or half full. I would say that the level of water within me is at the midway point between my top and my bottom because then people wouldn’t know if I was a optimist or a pessimist and I would have an air of mystery about me.

A Chair -
If I were a chair I would know a lot about asses.

My Dad -
If I were my dad I would wake up and have so many fucking things to deal with because I am the only one who does anything around here and I don’t have time for anything to go wrong and everything is going wrong and I wish someone would help me out for once but whenever anyone tries to help me out they mess it up more because I don’t have the time or the patience to explain it to them in words they understand and I have so many fucking things to deal with because I am the only one who does anything around here.

A Nude Model -
If I were a nude model I would only model for abstract painters. Then I would show their paintings to my family and friends and they would have no idea that they were looking at naked pictures of me.

Vexillology -
If I were vexillology I would always have to look myself up in the dictionary to remind myself that I am the scientific study of flags.

A Construction Site -
If I were a construction site I would smell very industrial and attract strange, burly men to work at me.

A Bird -
If I were a bird I would laugh at the birds that flew into windows.

Jobs that I am completely qualified for

Pun Specialist Needed – small, ridiculously successful company of young attractive people looking for a guy to hang out in our office and make puns out of things people say. Candidate must have four years pun-making experience but need not have any way to prove it. Other responsibilities include asking people if you can have a bite of their lunch.

Director of Responsibility – Awesome spy agency looking for a normal guy with no spy experience to take responsibility for everything we do. Other responsibilities include driving a agency-provided sports car/helicopter to the office everyday. Salary: four sweet-ass mansions/year.

Struggling Writer – Swanky coffee shop seeking struggling writer for atmosphere. Writer must sit at a table with his Mac, write and show general signs of deep contemplation, such as the scratching of the chin and mumbling intensely. Other responsibilities include ordering coffee and referring to your novel in cell phone conversations with your “agent.” Dark-rimmed prescription eye wear preferred but not required. Pays $900/week; $200 bonus for every customer that asks, “Is he a writer?”

Database Manager – An internet database of videos that are too sexy for kids is looking for motivated individual to join our team. As database manager you will be in charge of finding sexy videos, watching them all the way through and then emailing us a link so we can add it to our database. Other responsibilities include bookmaking especially sexy videos. Pays two hundred dollars per video found.

What I want people to think when I wear a nice sweater

1. Wow look at that sweater that Sean is wearing. It looks great – solid navy blue with one bright red stripe across the chest. Actually, now that I think about it, the sweater looks so good on Sean because it is so appropriate. It is a metaphor for how he exists in this world. He is that bright red stripe! He stands out amongst the navy blue sea of lame boringness that is us! He pierces straight through us, dividing us! Sean destroys the monotony of the world! I should really become a scientist so I can find a way to make him live forever.

2. Sean’s sweater looks good today, so good that I didn’t even look at his face. Did I see, out of the corner of my eye, that Sean has an attractive full-grown beard? Usually, when I look straight at him I think that his beard looks sort of weird and patchy, but today, distracted by his awesome sweater, it looked really manly and not at all patchy. Man, all those times I thought that Sean couldn’t properly grow a beard, I was wrong. I need to tell the others, who had a similar take on Sean’s facial hair, of our grave error. From now on I will hang my head in shame whenever I walk past Sean, never looking up at his beard again, but continuing to believe that it’s full and easy for him to grow.

3. Has Sean lost weight? Because it looks like he has in that sweater. He looks really thin and but also healthy, like he’s been working out. But not too much, like he’s always at the gym and doesn’t have a life. It looks like he works out just the right amount. I’m sure Sean has always looked this way and noticing it right now probably has nothing to do with the great sweater he has on. Sean’s body type is an interesting alternative to the too-skinny or too-muscular guys that I, an attractive young woman, usually encounter. I’ll make sure to send a mass email about Sean to all of my friends, who are also attractive young women.