Some tips for dealing with a broken leg

As a person born with legs you’re probably thinking, “I’m one of the lucky people in this world.” But all great things like legs come with great risk. One such risk you run as a person with legs is breaking one or both of them. Here’s some advice for when that happens.

1. Make sure you’re clear about what happened. Where are you? What were you doing? Who else is there? Take in as much detail as possible. Maybe even take some notes. Recite the whole thing to yourself once a week even after you’re all healed up. This way, if you’re at a party and a bunch of cool people are exchanging that-time-I-hurt-myself-really-bad stories, you can contribute and get popular.

2. Choose the right ambulance service for you. Just because you’re crying and in a great deal of pain doesn’t mean you need to settle for whatever crappy ambulance the hospital tries to send you. Log on to Google. Do some research. Read some customer reviews. Who knows when you’ll have another chance to ride in an ambulance. Make the most of it.

3. Get some thinking done. Are you a woman? Are you not enjoying the pain that your broken leg is causing? Are you thinking about having children at some point in your life? Well, I’ve got some bad news for you. Child birth, from what I hear, hurts too. And it comes with a baby you need to take care of for a while. Think about this: what if, when you broke your leg, a baby popped out of it? If that thought makes you uncomfortable you’re probably shouldn’t have kids ever.

4. Relax and enjoy yourself. Doesn’t it seem like you spend all of your time thinking about others but no one ever wants to know how you’re doing? Well, guess what – by breaking your leg you just bought yourself an express ticket to complete, undivided attention-ville, unless you broke your leg by stepping in a pothole while competing in a three-legged race. Then there’s a good chance that someone else is in the exact same situation as you and will take some of that attention away. If this happens, ask your partner how bad their leg hurts and then one-up it.

5. Practice leg abstinence. One-hundred percent of all leg injuries happen because people who have legs think they need to use them. The only way to avoid breaking your leg is to not use your legs at all.

5 Real Things

1. At the grocery store I found guacamole flavored dip. Not guacamole but guacamole FLAVORED dip. I was so excited because I love guacamole but I’m always like, “man I wish I could dip stuff in this.” Hopefully soon they’ll start making salsa-flavored dip or hummus flavored dip or French-onion-dip-flavored-dip.

2. I found a place with a deal where you get a chicken sandwich, fries and a fountain soda for $2.99, so I went. Then, while I was waiting they brought me chips and an assortment of dips for no extra charge. I left a two-dollar tip and thought, that’s right, I’m the guy who tips sixty-six percent.

3. I needed lime for something I was cooking so I went to the grocery store. They had a deal – 20 limes for a dollar. But I thought, twenty limes was too many. So I bought ten. Two weeks later I threw out nine and a half limes.

4. On the bus I passed a Thai Restaurant with a sign that said “Beer, Wine, BYOB.”

5. I rode the train to the Wrigley Field stop on a Cubs game day. Two middle-aged guys standing behind me were talking about sports. At one point one of the guys said, “You know what really helps baseball? A high definition television.” Another thing he could have said to make the same point is, “You know what sucks? Me.”

Job Application Supplement – Scenario Questions

Please describe how you would act in the following hypothetical situations.

Your supervisor says something that makes you feelo uncomfortable. You bring it up with a few of your coworkers and they feel the same way but they don’t want to bring it up.

Its dress down day and your supervisor wears a Hawaiian shirt and baggy plaid shorts, giving you a clear insight to what kind of person he is when he’s not at work. Then he asks if you want to hang out some weekend.

Your supervisor keeps talking about how he really wants a Chalupa from Taco Bell. Then he gives you a mysterious twenty-minute break and the keys to his car. That’s when you realize that twenty minutes is the exact amount of time needed to go to Taco Bell and come back to work.

You think your supervisor might have an eating disorder.

It’s the weekend and you’re out at a bar. You see your supervisor there and, making casual conversation, you ask him what he’s up to. He says his band is playing at the bar tonight. You stick around to find out his band plays punk-rock covers of Charlie Daniels Band songs. On Monday, you go into work and a coworker asks, “How was your weekend?”

The Internet seems really slow at work. You go in to tell your supervisor and see that he’s using the company’s network to host a huge online poker tournament. He says that if you don’t report him, he’ll split his winnings with you, fifty-fifty.

You’re on the roof of the office building at night. There are two of your supervisor, both claiming to be your real supervisor, but you know one is a robot clone. Also, you have a gun. The supervisor on the right says, “Hey man, it’s me. Your old buddy, the supervisor” and you think, that doesn’t seem like something my supervisor would say.

What I hope people on the street are thinking when I sweat through my shirt just walking around

1. Man that guy must be on a swim team or something because he is soaked. I bet he just got out of the pool and didn’t have time to dry off after training for hours. He probably did eight hundred laps and is a pro swimmer. It’s guys like that that make me want to work out more. I should lead a healthier life style. Also, I rob banks and set fires and seeing that super motivated swimmer guy makes me think, maybe I should stop doing both of those things. That guy has turned me away from a life of crime.

2. Wow that’s weird. The sky is blue and the sun is out but it looks like that guy just walked through a rainstorm. Everyone around him is dry which means, either that guy is really sweaty or, more likely and what I will choose to believe, there was some crazy wild downpour and while all these other wimps ran to seek shelter that guy walked on undeterred by nature’s fierce attempts to stop him. He is the very picture of perseverance and since I work for a company called Perseverance, I’ll secretly take his picture so I can put it on all of our ads and then I’ll send him a million dollars.

3. That guy is sweating like he’s jogging but it doesn’t look like he’s jogging. It looks like he’s just walking around. Unless, of course, he is practicing that ancient Japanese form of jogging that appears very slow but is extremely calculated and requires more skill, concentration and endurance than any other exercise in history. I read somewhere that this unnamed exercise was traditionally practiced in sandals, which explains why he’s wearing sandals. Also, he’s drinking an iced coffee, which they probably did in ancient times as well, to keep their energy up. Let me pause before crossing the street and observe this beautiful display of precision for a moment. Whoa. That’s weird. Had I not paused I would have accidentally stepped in front of a bus and died. That guy just saved my life.

If I Were (part 2)

A Pair Of Eyes
If I were a pair of eyes I would tell the nose to get his fat ass out of my line of vision.

A Man From The Future
If I were a man from the future I would wake up every morning in my hoverbed, get in my laser shower, use some nuclear shampoo, get in my hover car and go to my weird futuristic job in a big building that looks like a spaceship because it is, in fact, a spaceship. I would sit at my hover desk all day and fill out laser reports and hyper fax memos to my office mates, some of whom would be human while others would be aliens or robots.

A Math Book
If I were a math book I would have pornographic word problems.

A New Haircut
If I were a new haircut I would try and find a way not to make my owner look like he’s fourteen again.

An Octopus
If I were an octopus I would be better at multi-tasking.

A Mountain
If I were a mountain I would be walked on by everyone but would still find a way to be intimidating.

A Piano
If I were a piano I would be out of tune and put in a public place that a lot of people pass through. A lot of people who would not know the first thing about playing me would see me sitting there and would assume that they were a regular Horowitz and sit down to play a few sporadic keys that hurt everyone’s ears. I would hate my life.

A Woman’s Bureau
If I were a woman’s bureau I would be able to look through women’s underwear all day and never need to worry about someone walking in and catching me.

A transcription of the press conference I held in anticipation of this blog getting 250 hits

[Loud crowd noise because so many people are in attendance. I step to the mic and tap it to get everyone’s attention]

Me: Hello all and thank you for coming. A great time is approaching – a time when we here at the “Sean Goes to Chicago” blog will be able to say that we have had two-hundred-fifty hits!

[Huge applause and wooting. I hold my hands up to calm people down, which is almost impossible, but it happens eventually.]

Me: We, meaning my staff of fifteen including writers, editors and account executives, have worked really hard to get here but we couldn’t have done it without all of you!

[More applause. I wait for it to settle.]

Me: That’s really all I have planned to say. I would now like to answer questions from the press.

[A million hands go up.]

Me: Yes, Ted, from the New York Times.

Ted: For those struggling writers among us, would you please give some words of advice on how to accomplish something so totally sweet as getting two-hundred fifty hits on a blog.

Me: Well, Ted, the key is starting a blog and then telling your friends that you have started a blog. Then, and here’s where it get’s tricky, you need to tell your friends how they can access your blog so they can go look at it and give you hits. Sometimes your friends have friends of their own and they tell those friends about your blog and then you get more hits, but that’s a bit complicated for beginners. Next question: Stacy from NPR.

Stacy: How do you know how many hits you have?

Me: I have a little ticker thing at the bottom of the site.

Stacy: Did you put that on as soon as you got the blog?

Me: No. I got it after like two days or something.

Stacy: So, does that mean you could already have two-hundred-fifty hits or even more?

[Amazed gasps.]

Me: Folks, folks. Please calm down. While this could be the truth, I refuse to endorse such a wild theory. We have always used the ticker thing and we always will, unless ticker things stop being used by all other blogs. Then we’ll use whatever the new ticker thing is. Next question: Craig from MTV.

Craig: This isn’t a question, but a just a thanks for buying each and every one of us these super swanky expensive bottles of champagne.

Everyone: Amen to that!

Me: No problem guys. Next question: M.I.A.

M.I.A.: Hey, you haven’t called to hang out at all this week. What’s going on?

Me: I’ve just been busy with the whole blog-getting-two-hundred- fifty-hits thing. I’m free tomorrow. Wanna play some ski-ball or something?

M.I.A.: Yeah, I’m down.

Me: Tight. Next question: Kyle from the New Yorker.

Kyle: What do you have to say about the large group of people who think two-hundred-fifty hits isn’t an impressive number of hits for a blog to have?

Me: I’d say that those are the same people who would think that this press conference isn’t even happening right now!

[Everyone laughs at how ridiculous that idea is and then M.I.A. starts spontaneously DJ-ing a rave dance party. Everyone goes wild and gets crunk off their really expensive champagne.]