A Pair Of Eyes
If I were a pair of eyes I would tell the nose to get his fat ass out of my line of vision.
A Man From The Future
If I were a man from the future I would wake up every morning in my hoverbed, get in my laser shower, use some nuclear shampoo, get in my hover car and go to my weird futuristic job in a big building that looks like a spaceship because it is, in fact, a spaceship. I would sit at my hover desk all day and fill out laser reports and hyper fax memos to my office mates, some of whom would be human while others would be aliens or robots.
A Math Book
If I were a math book I would have pornographic word problems.
A New Haircut
If I were a new haircut I would try and find a way not to make my owner look like he’s fourteen again.
An Octopus
If I were an octopus I would be better at multi-tasking.
A Mountain
If I were a mountain I would be walked on by everyone but would still find a way to be intimidating.
A Piano
If I were a piano I would be out of tune and put in a public place that a lot of people pass through. A lot of people who would not know the first thing about playing me would see me sitting there and would assume that they were a regular Horowitz and sit down to play a few sporadic keys that hurt everyone’s ears. I would hate my life.
A Woman’s Bureau
If I were a woman’s bureau I would be able to look through women’s underwear all day and never need to worry about someone walking in and catching me.
If I were a pair of eyes I would tell the nose to get his fat ass out of my line of vision.
A Man From The Future
If I were a man from the future I would wake up every morning in my hoverbed, get in my laser shower, use some nuclear shampoo, get in my hover car and go to my weird futuristic job in a big building that looks like a spaceship because it is, in fact, a spaceship. I would sit at my hover desk all day and fill out laser reports and hyper fax memos to my office mates, some of whom would be human while others would be aliens or robots.
A Math Book
If I were a math book I would have pornographic word problems.
A New Haircut
If I were a new haircut I would try and find a way not to make my owner look like he’s fourteen again.
An Octopus
If I were an octopus I would be better at multi-tasking.
A Mountain
If I were a mountain I would be walked on by everyone but would still find a way to be intimidating.
A Piano
If I were a piano I would be out of tune and put in a public place that a lot of people pass through. A lot of people who would not know the first thing about playing me would see me sitting there and would assume that they were a regular Horowitz and sit down to play a few sporadic keys that hurt everyone’s ears. I would hate my life.
A Woman’s Bureau
If I were a woman’s bureau I would be able to look through women’s underwear all day and never need to worry about someone walking in and catching me.
2 comments:
These are the bomb!
The bennington piano experience! So true.
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