The crazy quirky indie movie that I’m going to write - PART 1

So it all starts in some town in Delaware. Isn’t that cool? That it’s in Delaware? Isn’t that such a totally random state? Who’s ever been to Delaware, right? I sure haven’t.

There’s this guy. Let’s call him Steve. No, wait, Steve’s too normal. Let’s call him Zebz. Yeah, Zebz. You’re probably like: who would name their kid Zebz? Quirky, interesting parents, that’s who! Don’t you totally want to meet those quirky parents? Well, you’re in luck because Zebz just happens to live with them, even though he’s twenty-something years old.

Zebz’s parents are totally hilarious. They’re always making cracks at each other in a really funny, dead-pan way. Like Zebz’s mom will say to Zebz’s dad, “Maybe you should clean out the garage?” And Zebz’s dad will respond, “Maybe you shouldn’t have been listening to the Pixies so loud when I’m trying to work on my novel last night. We all make mistakes.” Pixies: so awesome!

Zebz leads a sad life, but not like there are really sad things happening, but life is just sad for Zebz because nothing seems important. Also Zebz’s mom has cancer. I’m not sure what kind – I don’t know much about cancer except that it’s totally sad! But Zebz’s mom isn’t totally sad. She’s really funny about it. At dinner, she’ll just start eating before everyone and Zebz’s dad will be like, “Shouldn’t you wait till everyone is ready?” and she’ll be like “raise your hand if you have cancer” and raise her hand and Zebz’s dad will sigh and not raise his.

Also, they’re totally poor.

Anyway, Zebz is feeling like he needs to get out of his Delaware town (anyone know any towns in Delaware?) but he doesn’t think he can leave his mom because she has cancer but then she says, “Zebz, sometimes you can’t think about everyone else. Sometimes, you need to do what’s best for you.” But she won’t say it like this. She’ll probably quote some Pixies song that says something along these lines. I’m not sure which one. I don’t actually listen to the Pixies much. But from the stuff I have heard, they’re one of my favorite bands!

So Zebz sets out. On a road trip. To the Grand Canyon. What? A road trip to the Grand Canyon? That’s so uncool that it’s totally cool, right?

To be continued…

A week of dating website headlines

MONDAY

His - Club Rules: The best things to say, do and wear if you want to pick up women at the club tonight.

Hers - Sleaze Louise: How to avoid sketchy guys who are at the club just to pick you up.

TUESDAY

His - Evading her Evasion: Five essential moves to keep that girl at the club from saying “adios amigo!”

Hers - Get To the Point and Get On With Your Night: Why being straightforward and firmly telling him that you’re just not interested is often the best option.

WEDNESDAY

His - Reading Between the Lines: What she really means when she firmly tells you that she’s just not interested.

Hers - Now You See Me, Now You Don’t: Where to find hidden exits and trap doors in the hottest clubs in the city.

THURSDAY

His - You Can Run but You Can’t Hide: The seven most important pieces of information to get before she bolts, so that you can use the internet and your local police department to track her down.

Hers - Where in the World: Our top ten relocation destinations for when you’re avoiding the weird guy from last night who just won’t give up.

FRIDAY

His - This is your Pilot Speaking: How to find the cheapest flights so you can visit that special someone who barely even knows you.

Hers - Making The New Me: The easiest ways to change your hair color, eye color, name and fingerprints so he won’t even recognize you.

SATURDAY

His - Seeing Through Her: The quick and simple way to build a makeshift lie-detector to see if she is who you think she is.

Hers - The Life of a Hermit is the Life for Me: Choosing the best cave in the best mountain when he’s found you everywhere else.

SUNDAY

His - There’s Gold in Them There Hills: Why taking up hiking or mountain-climbing could be your ticket to meeting the woman of your dreams.

Hers - Reclusive Exclusive: Six fun things to do by yourself instead of going to the club tonight and spending the rest of your life running away the guy that just won’t give up.

It's late, Emily is asleep, I'm tired and sick... and here are some things you might not have known about fish!

- A school of fish is a group of fish, not a school for fish. Within a group of fish, however, there are some lame fish, some nerdy fish, some cool fish and some dick-hole fish. Also some fish are totally hot. In this way, a school of fish is like school.

- How do fish breath under water? Simple. Not being able to breath underwater is just a rumor that spread and now everyone but fish believe it’s true.

- There was this game for Sega called Echo The Dolphin and I could never get past the first level. This game is meant to be a metaphor for what it’s like to be a fish.

- When fish stay in the water too long, their skin does not get all raison-like. But then again they have scales and that’s pretty gross.

- Fish enjoy being eaten by people. This is because our bodies are ninety-percent water so eating them is just like giving them another place to stay if you really think about it.

- How many fish does it take screw in a light bulb? An infinite amount because they don’t have hands. More importantly, why are you putting a light bulb in a large body of water? That’s really dangerous.

- Many people were fish in past lives. You can always tell if someone was because they take really long showers.

- Many scientists believe that if you go deep down in the ocean there are all of these other weird kinds of fish. But the truth is, if you go really far down in the ocean you just end up at the top of the ocean again, like in old Mario games

- When fish were evolving, some of them started growing to be the size of dogs, sprouting fur all over their bodies like dogs and making dog-like noises. This group of fish moved on to land and still exists today. We call them dogs.

Some tips for dealing with a broken leg

As a person born with legs you’re probably thinking, “I’m one of the lucky people in this world.” But all great things like legs come with great risk. One such risk you run as a person with legs is breaking one or both of them. Here’s some advice for when that happens.

1. Make sure you’re clear about what happened. Where are you? What were you doing? Who else is there? Take in as much detail as possible. Maybe even take some notes. Recite the whole thing to yourself once a week even after you’re all healed up. This way, if you’re at a party and a bunch of cool people are exchanging that-time-I-hurt-myself-really-bad stories, you can contribute and get popular.

2. Choose the right ambulance service for you. Just because you’re crying and in a great deal of pain doesn’t mean you need to settle for whatever crappy ambulance the hospital tries to send you. Log on to Google. Do some research. Read some customer reviews. Who knows when you’ll have another chance to ride in an ambulance. Make the most of it.

3. Get some thinking done. Are you a woman? Are you not enjoying the pain that your broken leg is causing? Are you thinking about having children at some point in your life? Well, I’ve got some bad news for you. Child birth, from what I hear, hurts too. And it comes with a baby you need to take care of for a while. Think about this: what if, when you broke your leg, a baby popped out of it? If that thought makes you uncomfortable you’re probably shouldn’t have kids ever.

4. Relax and enjoy yourself. Doesn’t it seem like you spend all of your time thinking about others but no one ever wants to know how you’re doing? Well, guess what – by breaking your leg you just bought yourself an express ticket to complete, undivided attention-ville, unless you broke your leg by stepping in a pothole while competing in a three-legged race. Then there’s a good chance that someone else is in the exact same situation as you and will take some of that attention away. If this happens, ask your partner how bad their leg hurts and then one-up it.

5. Practice leg abstinence. One-hundred percent of all leg injuries happen because people who have legs think they need to use them. The only way to avoid breaking your leg is to not use your legs at all.

5 Real Things

1. At the grocery store I found guacamole flavored dip. Not guacamole but guacamole FLAVORED dip. I was so excited because I love guacamole but I’m always like, “man I wish I could dip stuff in this.” Hopefully soon they’ll start making salsa-flavored dip or hummus flavored dip or French-onion-dip-flavored-dip.

2. I found a place with a deal where you get a chicken sandwich, fries and a fountain soda for $2.99, so I went. Then, while I was waiting they brought me chips and an assortment of dips for no extra charge. I left a two-dollar tip and thought, that’s right, I’m the guy who tips sixty-six percent.

3. I needed lime for something I was cooking so I went to the grocery store. They had a deal – 20 limes for a dollar. But I thought, twenty limes was too many. So I bought ten. Two weeks later I threw out nine and a half limes.

4. On the bus I passed a Thai Restaurant with a sign that said “Beer, Wine, BYOB.”

5. I rode the train to the Wrigley Field stop on a Cubs game day. Two middle-aged guys standing behind me were talking about sports. At one point one of the guys said, “You know what really helps baseball? A high definition television.” Another thing he could have said to make the same point is, “You know what sucks? Me.”

Job Application Supplement – Scenario Questions

Please describe how you would act in the following hypothetical situations.

Your supervisor says something that makes you feelo uncomfortable. You bring it up with a few of your coworkers and they feel the same way but they don’t want to bring it up.

Its dress down day and your supervisor wears a Hawaiian shirt and baggy plaid shorts, giving you a clear insight to what kind of person he is when he’s not at work. Then he asks if you want to hang out some weekend.

Your supervisor keeps talking about how he really wants a Chalupa from Taco Bell. Then he gives you a mysterious twenty-minute break and the keys to his car. That’s when you realize that twenty minutes is the exact amount of time needed to go to Taco Bell and come back to work.

You think your supervisor might have an eating disorder.

It’s the weekend and you’re out at a bar. You see your supervisor there and, making casual conversation, you ask him what he’s up to. He says his band is playing at the bar tonight. You stick around to find out his band plays punk-rock covers of Charlie Daniels Band songs. On Monday, you go into work and a coworker asks, “How was your weekend?”

The Internet seems really slow at work. You go in to tell your supervisor and see that he’s using the company’s network to host a huge online poker tournament. He says that if you don’t report him, he’ll split his winnings with you, fifty-fifty.

You’re on the roof of the office building at night. There are two of your supervisor, both claiming to be your real supervisor, but you know one is a robot clone. Also, you have a gun. The supervisor on the right says, “Hey man, it’s me. Your old buddy, the supervisor” and you think, that doesn’t seem like something my supervisor would say.

What I hope people on the street are thinking when I sweat through my shirt just walking around

1. Man that guy must be on a swim team or something because he is soaked. I bet he just got out of the pool and didn’t have time to dry off after training for hours. He probably did eight hundred laps and is a pro swimmer. It’s guys like that that make me want to work out more. I should lead a healthier life style. Also, I rob banks and set fires and seeing that super motivated swimmer guy makes me think, maybe I should stop doing both of those things. That guy has turned me away from a life of crime.

2. Wow that’s weird. The sky is blue and the sun is out but it looks like that guy just walked through a rainstorm. Everyone around him is dry which means, either that guy is really sweaty or, more likely and what I will choose to believe, there was some crazy wild downpour and while all these other wimps ran to seek shelter that guy walked on undeterred by nature’s fierce attempts to stop him. He is the very picture of perseverance and since I work for a company called Perseverance, I’ll secretly take his picture so I can put it on all of our ads and then I’ll send him a million dollars.

3. That guy is sweating like he’s jogging but it doesn’t look like he’s jogging. It looks like he’s just walking around. Unless, of course, he is practicing that ancient Japanese form of jogging that appears very slow but is extremely calculated and requires more skill, concentration and endurance than any other exercise in history. I read somewhere that this unnamed exercise was traditionally practiced in sandals, which explains why he’s wearing sandals. Also, he’s drinking an iced coffee, which they probably did in ancient times as well, to keep their energy up. Let me pause before crossing the street and observe this beautiful display of precision for a moment. Whoa. That’s weird. Had I not paused I would have accidentally stepped in front of a bus and died. That guy just saved my life.

If I Were (part 2)

A Pair Of Eyes
If I were a pair of eyes I would tell the nose to get his fat ass out of my line of vision.

A Man From The Future
If I were a man from the future I would wake up every morning in my hoverbed, get in my laser shower, use some nuclear shampoo, get in my hover car and go to my weird futuristic job in a big building that looks like a spaceship because it is, in fact, a spaceship. I would sit at my hover desk all day and fill out laser reports and hyper fax memos to my office mates, some of whom would be human while others would be aliens or robots.

A Math Book
If I were a math book I would have pornographic word problems.

A New Haircut
If I were a new haircut I would try and find a way not to make my owner look like he’s fourteen again.

An Octopus
If I were an octopus I would be better at multi-tasking.

A Mountain
If I were a mountain I would be walked on by everyone but would still find a way to be intimidating.

A Piano
If I were a piano I would be out of tune and put in a public place that a lot of people pass through. A lot of people who would not know the first thing about playing me would see me sitting there and would assume that they were a regular Horowitz and sit down to play a few sporadic keys that hurt everyone’s ears. I would hate my life.

A Woman’s Bureau
If I were a woman’s bureau I would be able to look through women’s underwear all day and never need to worry about someone walking in and catching me.

A transcription of the press conference I held in anticipation of this blog getting 250 hits

[Loud crowd noise because so many people are in attendance. I step to the mic and tap it to get everyone’s attention]

Me: Hello all and thank you for coming. A great time is approaching – a time when we here at the “Sean Goes to Chicago” blog will be able to say that we have had two-hundred-fifty hits!

[Huge applause and wooting. I hold my hands up to calm people down, which is almost impossible, but it happens eventually.]

Me: We, meaning my staff of fifteen including writers, editors and account executives, have worked really hard to get here but we couldn’t have done it without all of you!

[More applause. I wait for it to settle.]

Me: That’s really all I have planned to say. I would now like to answer questions from the press.

[A million hands go up.]

Me: Yes, Ted, from the New York Times.

Ted: For those struggling writers among us, would you please give some words of advice on how to accomplish something so totally sweet as getting two-hundred fifty hits on a blog.

Me: Well, Ted, the key is starting a blog and then telling your friends that you have started a blog. Then, and here’s where it get’s tricky, you need to tell your friends how they can access your blog so they can go look at it and give you hits. Sometimes your friends have friends of their own and they tell those friends about your blog and then you get more hits, but that’s a bit complicated for beginners. Next question: Stacy from NPR.

Stacy: How do you know how many hits you have?

Me: I have a little ticker thing at the bottom of the site.

Stacy: Did you put that on as soon as you got the blog?

Me: No. I got it after like two days or something.

Stacy: So, does that mean you could already have two-hundred-fifty hits or even more?

[Amazed gasps.]

Me: Folks, folks. Please calm down. While this could be the truth, I refuse to endorse such a wild theory. We have always used the ticker thing and we always will, unless ticker things stop being used by all other blogs. Then we’ll use whatever the new ticker thing is. Next question: Craig from MTV.

Craig: This isn’t a question, but a just a thanks for buying each and every one of us these super swanky expensive bottles of champagne.

Everyone: Amen to that!

Me: No problem guys. Next question: M.I.A.

M.I.A.: Hey, you haven’t called to hang out at all this week. What’s going on?

Me: I’ve just been busy with the whole blog-getting-two-hundred- fifty-hits thing. I’m free tomorrow. Wanna play some ski-ball or something?

M.I.A.: Yeah, I’m down.

Me: Tight. Next question: Kyle from the New Yorker.

Kyle: What do you have to say about the large group of people who think two-hundred-fifty hits isn’t an impressive number of hits for a blog to have?

Me: I’d say that those are the same people who would think that this press conference isn’t even happening right now!

[Everyone laughs at how ridiculous that idea is and then M.I.A. starts spontaneously DJ-ing a rave dance party. Everyone goes wild and gets crunk off their really expensive champagne.]

Bolstering up my resume

Chicago, IL: A week ago-present
Resident
- Will be counted in the next census, helping Chicago to keep it’s position as the third biggest city in the country
- Promoted Chicago tourism by sending emails to or calling up everyone I know and saying “Hey, I’m in Chicago. It’s cool here. You should visit. Soon. Please. I’m really lonely”
- Served as an example of why to watch where you step by rolling my ankle really hard and almost crying in front of fellow Chicago residents shortly after my arrival

Ford Motor Company: 2002-present
Owner
- Promoted Ford by parking my car in areas where others might see Ford logo and think “Hey, maybe I should get one of those”
- Facilitated an effective relationship between myself and the open road
- Tested 2001 Ford Focus’s resistance to unforeseeable falling trees

Direct TV: 1999-2008
Viewer
- Established a connection between myself and millions of others by engaging in a common cultural activity
- Promoted my favorite shows by viewing them instead of other shows
- Informed those around me that a program was really stupid by making comments to that effect out loud
- Continued watching even after informing those around me that a program was really stupid
- Carried out effective small talk by keeping up to date on superficial pop culture news

Adams Family: 1986-present
Member
- Served the role of son to Margaret and Dan
- Served the role of brother to Brian and Seamus
- Appeared in photos with the abovementioned individuals
- Established the Adams family’s existence in the world by signing my full name to documents
- Answered phones, took messages

My imagined first day in Chicago

A Blue Ford Focus pulls up to a beautiful gate, above which is a tasteful golden sign that reads “Chicago.” Sean gets out of the car to look for a way to open the gate. A breeze rushes by.

Sean: What a pleasant breeze.

A guard appears from nowhere.

Guard: It certainly is. In fact, Chicago’s original nickname was “The Pleasantly Breezy City,” but that wasn’t catchy enough, so we changed it to “The Windy City.”

Sean: Whoa, where’d you come from?

Guard: Don’t worry about it, Sean.

Sean: You know my name?

Guard: Yes. We’ve been eagerly awaiting your arrival, Sean.

Sean: That’s so nice of you. Will you open the gate so that I can drive in?

Guard: You don’t need your car here, Sean. You can take the hoverbus anywhere you’d like to go!

Sean: The what?

Guard: The hoverbus!

The guard whistles and the hoverbus appears.

Sean: Whoa, that thing must be a beast on gas!

Guard: Actually it’s entirely eco friendly. It runs on salt water.

Sean: Do you have to ship that from the ocean?

Guard: No we simply collect the tears of the billions of people who wish they lived in Chicago. Why don’t you hop on board?

In the hoverbus: everything is clean and instead of uncomfortable benches everyone is sitting in huge recliners. Sean sits down in an open one. He looks around. Almost everyone is young, well-dressed has an intelligent sense of humor.

Driver: All aboard! Next stop: candy.

Passenger 1: You must be, Sean. It’s so nice to finally meet you!

Sean: Thanks so much. Everyone here is so nice!

Passenger 2: We sure are, Sean. Anything you need help with?

Sean: Well, I could use some help finding a job.

Passenger 3: Don’t worry about that, Sean. The universe pays Chicago zillions of dollars a year just to exist, so all of the residents get paychecks.

Passenger 4: Here is yours, for eight thousand dollars!

Sean: Eight thousand dollars a week?

Passenger 1: No, eight thousand dollars a day.

Sean: Sweet. But wait, then what’s up with this homeless guy next to me?

Homeless Guy: My dressing and smelling like this is a lifestyle choice. I actually own a Jetta and a penthouse apartment.

Sean: Wow!

The hoverbus stops. Barack Obama gets on.

Sean: Is that Barack Obama?

Passenger 2: Sure is. It’s funny, everywhere else in the country, he’s this huge national figure, but here in Chicago, he just hangs out.

Barack Obama: Hey, Sean. It’s nice to meet you.

Sean: It’s nice to meet you Senator Obama.

Barack Obama: Please, just call me pal or bud or something. You seem like a cool guy, Sean. So cool that I would like to ask you to take my place in the current presidential race.

Sean: No way!

Passenger 3: Be careful, Sean! He’s just offering that to you because he never wants to leave Chicago!

Passenger 4: Yeah, he offers his Presidential candidacy to all the new guys.
Sean: Is that true, pal?

Barack Obama: You caught me!

Sean: But haven’t you been away from Chicago with all of your campaigning?

Barack Obama: That’s what I’ve got an android for, Sean. I figure if worst comes to worst, and I get elected, I’ll just let my android run stuff so I can chill here in the Chi-town. Or maybe I’ll just bring the white house here. Oh this looks like my stop. Gotta go. Here’s a piece of paper with my cell phone number on it. We should hang out and get some brews or something.

Sean: This place is so awesome!

Driver: All aboard! Next stop: bouncy castles.

My positive morning message

How am I so happy? It’s simple. Every morning I send some positive energy to myself. I look at myself in the mirror and recite a short speech. It goes like this:

Hey Sean. You’re looking good this morning. Yes, you are looking good, even if you do have hair all over your chest, stomach and back. It’s ok, because just remember some people can’t grow hair at all. Some people are born without eyes and lips, either. You have all of those things! Don’t you feel so lucky? And besides, a little bit of hair never hurt anyone, unless it was razor sharp hair and grew into your heart or something. So it’s a good thing that your hair is soft and grows out of you, don’t you think, Sean?

Those are some fine, straight teeth you have, Sean! Aren’t you glad you got those braces? Sure, it might have been tough going through your first year of college with gross metal stuff and rubber bands all over your teeth, but look how it paid off! Your teeth are slightly straighter than they were before! Some people are born without teeth, Sean. Some people are born without butts and knees, too! Can you imagine that, Sean? No, you can’t. Because you were born with all of these things, and can’t possibly understand the hardships of those who weren’t so lucky. You should be thankful for that!

Remember in fourth grade when you picked your nose and Glenn Miller saw it and told all of your classmates and everyone called you Mr. Picker for three weeks? Well you shouldn’t. It’s not good to dwell on things from the past, Sean. Stop reminding yourself of that awful time so many years ago. It’s not healthy! Just get over it! Glenn Miller has probably forgotten all about it. He’s an adult now, like you Sean, and he’s probably moved on to do bigger and better things. And he’s probably still an asshole, but that’s ok, because you’re not going to think about him and his asshole ways anymore. And don’t forget, there are people out there that were born without noses. Some people might have a nose but no nostrils and other people don’t have heads at all. So pick away, Sean! Show the world that you are one of the lucky ones born with a nose!

Speaking of noses, you should go take a shower now, because you smell kind of raw. Have a good day, Sean. You deserve it!

My adult life as I imagined it in second grade

I live in the coolest, hippest, most fun city in America – Universal Studios, Florida. Every morning I eat a balanced breakfast of two eggs, two pieces of buttered toast, three waffles, a bowl of coco puffs, a bowl of cookie crisp, a bowl of lucky charms – just the marshmallows – and a Mountain Dew slushie. Oh, and of course I have some Flintstone vitamins because I care about my health!

I have the best job in the world. I’m a train conductor. I drive a train all over the U.S. delivering puppies and kittens to pet stores. Puppies and kittens can get pretty sad on a trip around the country and if they’re sad, no kids will want to buy them, so it’s also part of my job to put the train on autopilot every twenty minutes and go play with the puppies and kittens. And every shipment has one extra puppy or kitten so I have to keep one. Did I mention the puppies and kittens that I have to keep are a weird, special kind that never grow old, never die and never poop?

Being a train conductor is a dangerous job. There are a lot of bandits and robbers and evil villains trying to steal my precious, cute cargo. Because of this I am armed with, an M-16, a 9mm pistol, a shotgun, an AK-47 assault rifle, a bazooka, and two Uzis. I also have an F-16 fighter jet on the top of the train, in case there’s stuff on the tracks that I need to fly ahead and blow up.

I don’t have a lot of time off, which is ok because being a train conductor is super awesome so I like my job! When I do have time off, I mostly just hang out at home – which is a mansion. I don’t take many vacations because I live in Universal Studios, so where could I possibly go that could be cooler?!

I’m married to Stephanie, from Full House. Not Jodie Sweetin, the actress who played Stephanie, but the character, Stephanie. It was funny when she introduced me to her family for the first time, because I already knew them so well.

I don’t hang out with Stephanie that much, though, because she’s a girl and I’m a guy, and I don’t want to be seen in public with a girl. Mostly I hang out with my guy friends, doing karate and shooting guns. Did I mention that my guy friends include the members of Green Day, Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Live? How am I friends with so many musicians? It’s simple. Having never stopped taking piano lessons, I am now the best piano player in the world. So obviously I was asked to join a bunch of famous bands. I write most of their songs for them now.

Dangerous Words #1: Cholesterol

One day, in my high school aesthetics class, the teacher put an egg on the table. The assignment: to compile a list of words that described it. From there, we each chose the one word from our list that we liked the most. These words were written on the board, so that we could use them to write a poem. One of my classmates looked at the texture, choosing “matte” as his word. Other students went deeper, choosing “birth” or “life.” The list continued in this fashion until it came time for me to share my contribution: “cholesterol.”
A whole three syllables longer than most of its rivals, my word stuck out. My classmates complained that I was not taking the assignment seriously enough, as if thinking deeply requires us to forget such serious health risks as high cholesterol. Also, I’m willing to bet that the particular egg was from an egg carton bought at the grocery store, and therefore held more cholesterol than it did “life.” If I’m wrong I have to wonder, why was that egg out on the table and not under its mother or in an incubator? Should we allow a teacher to sacrifice a the life of a chicken for a class assignment? How far is too far when it comes to high school, poem-writing exercises?
At first the word was simply laughed at, but the humor evaporated when the class was put to the task of producing a few short lines of verse. Cholesterol went about systematically murdering any beauty in each of my classmates’ poems. Objections were raised and cholesterol was quickly demoted to the degrading status of optional. While the class viewed this as a victory over me, I only saw it as proof of their inadequacy as poets.

If I Were (part 1)

A Glass of Water -
If I were a glass of water someone would drink out of me and when he had drank half of my contents I would not say that I am half empty or half full. I would say that the level of water within me is at the midway point between my top and my bottom because then people wouldn’t know if I was a optimist or a pessimist and I would have an air of mystery about me.

A Chair -
If I were a chair I would know a lot about asses.

My Dad -
If I were my dad I would wake up and have so many fucking things to deal with because I am the only one who does anything around here and I don’t have time for anything to go wrong and everything is going wrong and I wish someone would help me out for once but whenever anyone tries to help me out they mess it up more because I don’t have the time or the patience to explain it to them in words they understand and I have so many fucking things to deal with because I am the only one who does anything around here.

A Nude Model -
If I were a nude model I would only model for abstract painters. Then I would show their paintings to my family and friends and they would have no idea that they were looking at naked pictures of me.

Vexillology -
If I were vexillology I would always have to look myself up in the dictionary to remind myself that I am the scientific study of flags.

A Construction Site -
If I were a construction site I would smell very industrial and attract strange, burly men to work at me.

A Bird -
If I were a bird I would laugh at the birds that flew into windows.

Jobs that I am completely qualified for

Pun Specialist Needed – small, ridiculously successful company of young attractive people looking for a guy to hang out in our office and make puns out of things people say. Candidate must have four years pun-making experience but need not have any way to prove it. Other responsibilities include asking people if you can have a bite of their lunch.

Director of Responsibility – Awesome spy agency looking for a normal guy with no spy experience to take responsibility for everything we do. Other responsibilities include driving a agency-provided sports car/helicopter to the office everyday. Salary: four sweet-ass mansions/year.

Struggling Writer – Swanky coffee shop seeking struggling writer for atmosphere. Writer must sit at a table with his Mac, write and show general signs of deep contemplation, such as the scratching of the chin and mumbling intensely. Other responsibilities include ordering coffee and referring to your novel in cell phone conversations with your “agent.” Dark-rimmed prescription eye wear preferred but not required. Pays $900/week; $200 bonus for every customer that asks, “Is he a writer?”

Database Manager – An internet database of videos that are too sexy for kids is looking for motivated individual to join our team. As database manager you will be in charge of finding sexy videos, watching them all the way through and then emailing us a link so we can add it to our database. Other responsibilities include bookmaking especially sexy videos. Pays two hundred dollars per video found.

What I want people to think when I wear a nice sweater

1. Wow look at that sweater that Sean is wearing. It looks great – solid navy blue with one bright red stripe across the chest. Actually, now that I think about it, the sweater looks so good on Sean because it is so appropriate. It is a metaphor for how he exists in this world. He is that bright red stripe! He stands out amongst the navy blue sea of lame boringness that is us! He pierces straight through us, dividing us! Sean destroys the monotony of the world! I should really become a scientist so I can find a way to make him live forever.

2. Sean’s sweater looks good today, so good that I didn’t even look at his face. Did I see, out of the corner of my eye, that Sean has an attractive full-grown beard? Usually, when I look straight at him I think that his beard looks sort of weird and patchy, but today, distracted by his awesome sweater, it looked really manly and not at all patchy. Man, all those times I thought that Sean couldn’t properly grow a beard, I was wrong. I need to tell the others, who had a similar take on Sean’s facial hair, of our grave error. From now on I will hang my head in shame whenever I walk past Sean, never looking up at his beard again, but continuing to believe that it’s full and easy for him to grow.

3. Has Sean lost weight? Because it looks like he has in that sweater. He looks really thin and but also healthy, like he’s been working out. But not too much, like he’s always at the gym and doesn’t have a life. It looks like he works out just the right amount. I’m sure Sean has always looked this way and noticing it right now probably has nothing to do with the great sweater he has on. Sean’s body type is an interesting alternative to the too-skinny or too-muscular guys that I, an attractive young woman, usually encounter. I’ll make sure to send a mass email about Sean to all of my friends, who are also attractive young women.