Chicago, IL: A week ago-present
Resident
- Will be counted in the next census, helping Chicago to keep it’s position as the third biggest city in the country
- Promoted Chicago tourism by sending emails to or calling up everyone I know and saying “Hey, I’m in Chicago. It’s cool here. You should visit. Soon. Please. I’m really lonely”
- Served as an example of why to watch where you step by rolling my ankle really hard and almost crying in front of fellow Chicago residents shortly after my arrival
Ford Motor Company: 2002-present
Owner
- Promoted Ford by parking my car in areas where others might see Ford logo and think “Hey, maybe I should get one of those”
- Facilitated an effective relationship between myself and the open road
- Tested 2001 Ford Focus’s resistance to unforeseeable falling trees
Direct TV: 1999-2008
Viewer
- Established a connection between myself and millions of others by engaging in a common cultural activity
- Promoted my favorite shows by viewing them instead of other shows
- Informed those around me that a program was really stupid by making comments to that effect out loud
- Continued watching even after informing those around me that a program was really stupid
- Carried out effective small talk by keeping up to date on superficial pop culture news
Adams Family: 1986-present
Member
- Served the role of son to Margaret and Dan
- Served the role of brother to Brian and Seamus
- Appeared in photos with the abovementioned individuals
- Established the Adams family’s existence in the world by signing my full name to documents
- Answered phones, took messages
Resident
- Will be counted in the next census, helping Chicago to keep it’s position as the third biggest city in the country
- Promoted Chicago tourism by sending emails to or calling up everyone I know and saying “Hey, I’m in Chicago. It’s cool here. You should visit. Soon. Please. I’m really lonely”
- Served as an example of why to watch where you step by rolling my ankle really hard and almost crying in front of fellow Chicago residents shortly after my arrival
Ford Motor Company: 2002-present
Owner
- Promoted Ford by parking my car in areas where others might see Ford logo and think “Hey, maybe I should get one of those”
- Facilitated an effective relationship between myself and the open road
- Tested 2001 Ford Focus’s resistance to unforeseeable falling trees
Direct TV: 1999-2008
Viewer
- Established a connection between myself and millions of others by engaging in a common cultural activity
- Promoted my favorite shows by viewing them instead of other shows
- Informed those around me that a program was really stupid by making comments to that effect out loud
- Continued watching even after informing those around me that a program was really stupid
- Carried out effective small talk by keeping up to date on superficial pop culture news
Adams Family: 1986-present
Member
- Served the role of son to Margaret and Dan
- Served the role of brother to Brian and Seamus
- Appeared in photos with the abovementioned individuals
- Established the Adams family’s existence in the world by signing my full name to documents
- Answered phones, took messages
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