How am I so happy? It’s simple. Every morning I send some positive energy to myself. I look at myself in the mirror and recite a short speech. It goes like this:
Hey Sean. You’re looking good this morning. Yes, you are looking good, even if you do have hair all over your chest, stomach and back. It’s ok, because just remember some people can’t grow hair at all. Some people are born without eyes and lips, either. You have all of those things! Don’t you feel so lucky? And besides, a little bit of hair never hurt anyone, unless it was razor sharp hair and grew into your heart or something. So it’s a good thing that your hair is soft and grows out of you, don’t you think, Sean?
Those are some fine, straight teeth you have, Sean! Aren’t you glad you got those braces? Sure, it might have been tough going through your first year of college with gross metal stuff and rubber bands all over your teeth, but look how it paid off! Your teeth are slightly straighter than they were before! Some people are born without teeth, Sean. Some people are born without butts and knees, too! Can you imagine that, Sean? No, you can’t. Because you were born with all of these things, and can’t possibly understand the hardships of those who weren’t so lucky. You should be thankful for that!
Remember in fourth grade when you picked your nose and Glenn Miller saw it and told all of your classmates and everyone called you Mr. Picker for three weeks? Well you shouldn’t. It’s not good to dwell on things from the past, Sean. Stop reminding yourself of that awful time so many years ago. It’s not healthy! Just get over it! Glenn Miller has probably forgotten all about it. He’s an adult now, like you Sean, and he’s probably moved on to do bigger and better things. And he’s probably still an asshole, but that’s ok, because you’re not going to think about him and his asshole ways anymore. And don’t forget, there are people out there that were born without noses. Some people might have a nose but no nostrils and other people don’t have heads at all. So pick away, Sean! Show the world that you are one of the lucky ones born with a nose!
Speaking of noses, you should go take a shower now, because you smell kind of raw. Have a good day, Sean. You deserve it!
Hey Sean. You’re looking good this morning. Yes, you are looking good, even if you do have hair all over your chest, stomach and back. It’s ok, because just remember some people can’t grow hair at all. Some people are born without eyes and lips, either. You have all of those things! Don’t you feel so lucky? And besides, a little bit of hair never hurt anyone, unless it was razor sharp hair and grew into your heart or something. So it’s a good thing that your hair is soft and grows out of you, don’t you think, Sean?
Those are some fine, straight teeth you have, Sean! Aren’t you glad you got those braces? Sure, it might have been tough going through your first year of college with gross metal stuff and rubber bands all over your teeth, but look how it paid off! Your teeth are slightly straighter than they were before! Some people are born without teeth, Sean. Some people are born without butts and knees, too! Can you imagine that, Sean? No, you can’t. Because you were born with all of these things, and can’t possibly understand the hardships of those who weren’t so lucky. You should be thankful for that!
Remember in fourth grade when you picked your nose and Glenn Miller saw it and told all of your classmates and everyone called you Mr. Picker for three weeks? Well you shouldn’t. It’s not good to dwell on things from the past, Sean. Stop reminding yourself of that awful time so many years ago. It’s not healthy! Just get over it! Glenn Miller has probably forgotten all about it. He’s an adult now, like you Sean, and he’s probably moved on to do bigger and better things. And he’s probably still an asshole, but that’s ok, because you’re not going to think about him and his asshole ways anymore. And don’t forget, there are people out there that were born without noses. Some people might have a nose but no nostrils and other people don’t have heads at all. So pick away, Sean! Show the world that you are one of the lucky ones born with a nose!
Speaking of noses, you should go take a shower now, because you smell kind of raw. Have a good day, Sean. You deserve it!
4 comments:
sharp chest hairs would be a real bummer. if you really say this to yourself, i'm not sure how i'll feel,
I was born without teeth. Not cool, dude.
I like "raw" as a description of body odor. Yeeeuck! BTW I'm a secret fan of your blog, and have been for some time!
I saw Glenn Miller do something way grosser than pick his nose. Tell all your friends.
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